"live in the moment"
you want me to believe
it doesn’t matter
if you leave tomorrow
as long as you love me today
Stars are not small or gentle.
They are writhing and dying and burning.
They are not here to be pretty.
I am trying to learn from them.
huh. jon’s little sister that I’ve met a few times had a baby. everyone seems to be in high spirits about it ^^
he came over, petted the dogs for a bit while I trembled off to one side, probably got tired of waiting for me to take initiative and hugged me, arms around my waist. I hugged back of course, still trembling, we stood like that for a little bit. eventually made our way to my room, the dogs were taking most of his attention at first (they really like attention). he hissed at Josie. he got tired of waiting again and pulled me in to kiss me. it took a while for me to just stop trembling already and catch up with what was actually going on instead of what the doubt and fear had been telling me, but I did eventually catch up. I won’t go into detail, you’re welcome.
but then the dogs started rustling and yipping like someone was home so he got dressed and checked some things while I fixed my dress (I didn’t sew the straps well enough) then I just kinda curled around/against him while he read terminal lance and I listened to music. I showed him the snake I found and he asked why I have any 40k books on my shelf. I like having him around. hope I don’t fuck it all up by being my awful self. -n-
it’s really hard to take pictures of a dress while you’re wearing it. skirt (with pockets!!!) from a vogue pattern (V8997) with minor edits, top was improvised, lace was found. took probably… 18-20 hours? I may redo the top later, but the skirt is so fuckin cool.
reblogging since it’s no longer a private post/secret/surprise so I can show it to people
look at my cool dress it’s cool
saw a headline that said the national guard is being called in. I’m really really concerned about which side they’ll be taking.
8:30 or 9:00 tomorrow
apparently I’m a “good critical thinker” and jeff thinks I’d be a good journalist. even though they rarely agree with me and I generally assume they’re full of shit
casey says it’ll go how I want even though he’s also repeatedly said he thinks bear is incapable of keeping a long term relationship so I guess that’s a good sign right? and like he texted me for a little while this afternoon to complain about paperwork and stuff which is good because I didn’t think he’d say anything, and he hasn’t told me not to tell him I love him, and just
maybe all the evidence in favor of him loving me is part of why I’m upset y’know cuz if it didn’t seem like he was just. so. fond of me and cared about me so much and wanted to protect me and keep me and kiss me and make me smile and all these things. if there hadn’t been any of that maybe I wouldn’t be so sad at the prospect of such a nice thing just dying. and I’d like to believe it’s a nice thing for him, too, my singing calms him down and I try to listen when he has a bad day and stuff and I asked like a week ago, I was thinking about just how, he’s my favorite person in the whole world and just everything he is and does seems so lovable and worthwhile to me, I didn’t explain it exactly that way but I asked if he saw me the same way I see him and he said he did.
and I mean yeah I trust we’ll be friends and that’ll be nice I like being his friend but. I’ve had a taste of what I could have, some strange wonderful thing where we argue and make up and cuddle on the couch and make fun of each other but only on things we’re not actually sensitive about because him and me’ll look after each other because we don’t always look after ourselves.
and I just think way too much and cry too easily and I’ll be fine this time tomorrow. or, like, at least I’ll know.